As a little kid, I told stories – and they were tall tales, big fish. I loved the attention and acting out fascinating adventures that never happened. I didn’t think of it as deceiving people, but rather, as a chance to be noticed and entertain those around me.
Though my parents tried to help me find better ways to channel my creativity, it was one sentence from a person whose name I can’t remember that changed my heart from carefree story teller to scrupulous truth teller.
The Devil is the author of Lies.
Those words chilled me to the core. I lie. The Devil is the author of lies. That means the Devil must somehow be inside me!
As a kid, there was no one in the world I feared more than the Devil, and I wanted nothing to do with him at all. The idea that I was somehow on his team terrified me. I couldn’t let it happen. I would not be on his team. I had to stop telling stories. And so I made a secret challenge to myself, to start by going an entire day without lying, and then the next day without lying and the next day, until I never told any more lies. Ever again.
And though I gave my best effort, I was often met with failure. I remember in fourth grade, sitting in the back of the van on the way to dance class. Instead of focusing on my spelling words I was angry and disappointed with myself. “Can’t you go a day without telling a lie. Just ONE day? Seriously, Victoria. You tried again and you failed. How can you be a good person if you can’t go a whole day without telling a lie?”
I sighed in defeat. Since I had started my personal challenge, I had not successfully made it through one single day, free from embellishments to stories. Free from the white lies of ‘I’m fine’ when I wasn’t. Or free from ‘that looks nice’ when it really didn’t.
And I tried so hard. So many days would go perfectly until I’d say something like, “The talent show? Yea, like there were THOUSANDS of people there,” –then I‘d catch myself, “wait, no, that’s not true, maybe a few hundred, I don’t really know how big the gym is, but it was a lot of people - i mean, it was full.” Then I’d think in my head, ugh, thousands? You lied again! Now you’ve got to start over.
And my past as a voracious story-teller didn’t help my cause. While I struggled to redeem my reputation and turn over a new leaf, my family would often joke about my old lies, and instead of seeing the humor, I felt more defeat. I wasn’t going to be a liar. Nobody likes a liar and I wanted people to like me and to trust me.
To this very day, nothing causes me more shame, anxiety and embarrassment than being accused of lying.
However, while updating my social networking profiles this weekend I embellished my job description. I made myself seem more important than I really was – more of an asset than I really am. And when I realized what I was doing, lying, I immediately deleted the entire text and took a step away from the computer.
Wait.
What was I doing?
Who have I become?
I asked myself, ‘Torie, you are NOT a liar. What motivated you to do that? What prompted you to want to not be honest with your job description and what you actually do for a living?”
“Because I think I am not good enough.” I answered to myself.
I was repulsed by my own answer. It went against everything I believe and teach to others as true. “NO! LIES! You ARE good enough! You have been made PERFECTLY and with intention and PURPOSE. You are NOT inadequate.”
Because I think I am not good enoughI had lied, not because I wished to deceive the people around me, but because I was trying to deceive myself.
The devil twists and distorts the truth, and when he shows me myself, I see such an ugly person.
But I know that this is not who I am.
Realizing this, I stopped what I was doing and I closed my eyes and prayed, “Christ, reveal to me my true self. The woman that You have called me to become.”
And I saw my sin in a new way.
I saw myself as a great light smothered by a hard, dark, muddy shell. The shell completely covered the light and kept it from expanding outward or being seen by anyone. The hard, dark shell was my sin.
In the darkness of the outside, I saw myself trying to clean the shell enough to let the light out of its captivity. There was a lot of work to do, scrubbing and scraping, and there were sometimes glimmers of light revealed, but as soon as it would appear, the mud would drip over it, covering the space and the darkness would return. After struggling for a long time, I began to feel hopeless and defeated.
The Spirit introduce a new image and placed it next to the one of me working on the shell. In the new image, I saw a snake eating its tail. It got smaller and smaller until it became nothing. “This is what you are doing”, the Holy Spirit shared with me.
Then I focused back on the original image of me cleaning the shell. I felt myself being pulled through the shell and brought inside, to where my small light lived. It was warm and filled with peace. My courage returned.
“Begin here,” The Spirit encouraged, “Grow in my light”
So I began to focus on the light and as it became brighter and stronger, the hard, muddy shell around me began to crack and break off until with a dramatic explosion, the entire shell broke apart and my light was set free and there was no longer any darkness.
And it was freeing.
I met my soul that day, and befriended her.
And I learned how to overcome my sin. Not by focusing on the sin, but by focusing on what is good and true.
So instead of saying, “Do not be a liar” today I say, “Embrace and proclaim the Truth.” Instead of saying, “Don’t overeat today and don’t be lazy!” Today I say, “Glorify God by treating your body as the temple it is and focus on building your endurance to serve the Kingdom.”
We cannot overcome darkness with darkness. We overcome darkness with light.
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