Walking into the Unknown

I folded the screen of my laptop computer down and began to slowly inhale and exhale. I place my hand to my forehead to wipe the sweat away when I realize that my palms are sweating too. "Jesus," I pray, "I trust in You." It takes 10 minutes before my heart beat is normal again and I can return to my checklist. "Jesus," I pray again, "I trust in You".

For someone who talks to crowds night after night about stepping into fear, I find it ironic, that since moving into full-time ministry, I've never been more afraid. It seems nearly every day, God calls me to face a fear, a wound, a doubt, an anxiety. And no matter how many times I do it, it doesn't get easier, though the process is becoming routine. Cold sweats, nausea, indigestion...these things are as common as breathing in my life now - but here's the liberating fact, they no longer have power over me.

I'm finally back in Nashville after 3 solid months on the road and it's overwhelming to think about how much life has evolved. In the beginning of 2013, I was tempted to throw in the towel and give up. I had no record, no gigs, no fan base and after 6 months of songwriting under the mentorship of a well-respected music publisher, I had just flown to Colorado for a key meeting, with the hopes of signing my first deal, and I was stood up! I realized how amateur and vulnerable I was and the road ahead looked long, and hard, and uncertain. It felt like everyone around me was telling me how "great" I was, but no one was investing or keeping their promises. Everyone was keeping their distance, waiting to see what I would do and where I would go. I was alone.

I drove home to Louisiana for a weekend to try to sort things out and decide what I would do next. Who did I think I was, trying to "make it" in Christian music? I was trying to compete against the major labels and artists who had been touring for 10 or more years. And who was I, but a nobody waitress working at a mexican restaurant with little connections and even less money. Who was I kidding?

But when I imagined quitting, it was impossible. I couldn't separate my identity from writing music. When making of list of potential careers that interested me, the only one that did was Christian Music. There was no other desire. I remember thinking that I would prefer to be a homeless songwriter than not a songwriter at all. I wasn't willing to give up the desire.

And so I drove back to Nashville and released a 4-song EP, ADOREMUS. Within 24 hours, it was in the Top 100 on the iTunes Gospel New Release Chart. I began to book a few dates, on the weekend, in different cities around the country. In June, I hired a publicist and recorded a music video, in July I played my first series of summer camps and got fired from my restaurant job, by August I was featured on Sirius XM & Catholic TV and had been on the radio with the likes of Matt Maher, Ike Ndolo and even Audrey Assad, in September 30,000 copies of my single "Face to Face" had been given away and by October, I had counted that I'd only been in Nashville for a total of 5 days, because the rest of the time I'd been on the road, touring. I had traveled nearly 10,000 miles in 3 months and gone from a full-time waitress to a full-time, touring musician.

But would you believe, that this time of abundant blessing has also been the most difficult Fall of my life? I find that I'm constantly uncomfortable, constantly being asked to do things that terrify me like taking big financial risks, sifting through contracts, being asked to "prove" myself to major industry players and always being the musician with the least amount of record sales, smallest fan base and shortest time on the road. 
To make matters more difficult, through this process, the ugly, dark areas of my heart are being revealed to me. Like how deeply insecure I am about my voice & songwriting abilities, or how much of a people-pleaser I am, or how I don't really know much about the music business...

Yet between the new worries & the daily panic attacks, there's a sense of freedom. Freedom that fear does not control me and can not stop me. The knowledge that there is nothing physical that stands in the way between my heart's deepest desire and the God who shaped it. That I CAN do all things through Christ who strengthens me. I am deeply aware that I stand at the bottom of a great mountain and that there is a long road in front of me. I am just beginning. But I am NOT stopping. Because this is my cross, my vocation, my calling. Daily, I experience healing as God draws me closer to Him. I need His perfect love, everyday, because it is the only things that casts out the fear. Because, when I look into my heart I find that there is no other desire, but this one: To pursue His heart.

So when the cold sweats come, when the nausea rears its ugly head, I say to myself the truest, most simple prayer of my heart, "Jesus, I trust in You". Then, I take a deep breath, pick up my cross and walk into the unknown.