When it comes to vocations, I've always flipped back and forth. Ever since Jimmy Mitchel asked that fateful question, "Tori, it's your moral obligation as a single, catholic woman to discern ALL vocations - because are you really following God's will if you aren't open to anywhere He could call you?" I've never been the same.
After Jimmy's challenge, I began to really discern the religious life. Weekly trips to the Maj (Mother House of the Sisters of Saint Cecelia), daily mass, monthly discernment retreats...and then, my secret dress-up-like-a-nun sessions. When my roommate was gone for the weekend, I'd lock our door and place a towel around my face to look like a habit. Staring at myself in the mirror I'd make introductions,
"Why Hello! I'm Sister Mary Pio" or "Oh yes, you can call me sister."
One day, I was watching 'Friends' on TV when the air around me suddenly became thick, warm and heavy. Chills ran over me and as fast as I could, I turned the TV off because I didn't want the Holy Spirit to know I was watching Friends.
I sat up straight, Indian style and put my hands out in prayer, 'Welcome, Holy Spirit! I'm ready.' And just as my eyes are looking upon my dark dorm room, I was at the same time in another place. There, in front of me, was a young man, crying, in front of the tabernacle and he was praying. 'Lord, where is she?" He asked. "I keep searching for her and I think I've found her but she's not there. Where is she?" I felt the Spirit calm him and he spoke again, "Let her know that I love her and I am waiting for her." And then, speaking to me, he said aloud, "I love you and I am waiting for you."
Then I felt myself being pulled from that room and all of me was back in my dorm room, where I'd been the entire time. But I could still hear his voice, "Hug her for me, please. Let her know I'm here." And I held my breath as I watched the T-shirt on my shoulders move closer to my skin as I felt a tight embrace.
Then it was over. The room was cold, and damp again. But I was so alive. I spent a few minutes pinching myself - 'was that real?' - 'did that really just happen' - 'how do i know if I just made it up?' 'Wow, TorTor - you are CRAY CRAY!! Seek professional help now'
But the peace in my heart was overwhelming. I began to start praying for this boy- and then I had the craziest idea...I went before a tabernacle and prayed.
"Lord," I said, "Take my heart and bury it deep within yours. Let he, who is my husband, seek you in order to give my heart back to me. and Lord," I continued, because I was on a roll, "please, oh please, guard this heart. And make every relationship with a guy that's not with him totally and cosmically fail before anything ever happens - because Lord, I know he is out there and I want to be the best for him - the purest for him - I want him to have my whole heart."
Well, ask and you shall receive - and since that spontaneous 'pray before the tabernacle for your future spouse which you hallucinated about' day, every date or love interest or potential boyfriend has been an utter, cosmic failure. But still, it's really easy for me to begin to loose hope - to get so frustrated with it all that I just want to give up. There are all these things my friends are doing - that seem totally normal - long goodbye hugs, late night talks, stolen kisses after dates - and I don't do this. A married woman wouldn't do this - a girl with a boyfriend wouldn't do this - so why would I, who is so confident of the existence of a spouse, do this?
But it's really hard sometimes. I don't entirely trust myself to know if what happened was a dream, or from God or from the devil. I don't know. And who knows if I'll be alive after tomorrow to meet him? Or if I'm really called to the convent and this is just the devil distracting me? But whenever I'm at the point of giving up - of saying, 'I'm sorry, but this is just too hard. I don't have the trust or the patience and I don't know if this is right.' God - or at least I think it's God - steps in and gives me enough hope to keep holding on.
Yesterday morning, my heart was so sad. I watched as the holy families from Assumption walked down the communion aisle and I couldn't help but question God, 'How blessed they are to have found each other. What a gift a spouse is. Am I foolish? Is this your will for me?'
And as I'm thinking about how insane I am to everyday offer up communion for my future husband and our currently non-existent family, I drop my bible and it opens randomly to Hosea Chapter 3, I wonder what it says." and then I read, "And I said to her, you will wait for me for many days. You will not commit fornication, and you will not be with a man. But I also will wait for you."
Yes, I also, will wait for you.
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