I’ve always been afraid of suffering from a mental illness. To me, mental illness means total dependency on God’s mercy. Because if we have not our minds, how can we know our works to be good? If we can’t trust our perceptions, how can we have any certainty that we are presenting ourselves as pleasing to the Father?
To me, it seems to make a person so helpless – handicapping them both physically and spiritually. My heart aches for all those who carry this most terrible cross.
I was chastised this morning by someone both very spiritual and very dear to me who instructed me to control my imagination. As a person who really struggles with accepting the supernatural reality and of “going crazy”, this was particularly painful to hear. More often than naught, I deny the influence of the supernatural in my life– and if I recognize it, it must be so extraordinary that the only rational conclusion is the supernatural.
The idea that I had deceived myself caused me great anxiety and great confusion. The event I had described to my spiritual friend was so real to me – so physical – that to consider it as the result of an overactive imagination greatly troubled me. If it wasn't real, then how could I ever trust myself? The question forcing its way into my mind was, “What if all you’ve ever known to be true was a lie? A work of your imagination? A Fantasy?” I thought of other events similar to the one I had shared and the voice pushed on, “All in your head. None of it real.”
I was quickly spinning into a repeating cycle of anxious confusion. Could I trust myself? Could I trust anything? Had I lost my mind? Was my greatest fear being realized? Am I actually going crazy?
Stop. I ignored the rushing flow of thoughts that were forcing their way into my mind. ‘And what if you are crazy,’ I began, trying to take control, ‘if it is all in your head and you are crazy, then what?’
I needed to pray. ‘Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with you. Blessed are you among women and blessed is the fruit of your womb, Jesus. Holy Mary, mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death. Amen’
I took a deep breath and with a quiet resolve, answered my question.
‘Ok, so what if I am crazy. God is still real. And if I am crazy, it is because God has allowed this humiliation. If I do not possess my mind or my wits, than I must accept this suffering as from the cross.’ I took another deep breath, ‘Yes, to be mentally ill means to depend entirely upon the mercy of God – but to be human means to depend entirely on the mercy of God.' I began to pray, 'Jesus, if I am crazy, if these are fantasies, then let me fall into Your sure arms, abandoning myself in You. If I am ill, I may never be able to perform any good, visible works for Your Church, but I will try with my heart and what sense you allow, to love You in this weakened state of life. For it is by Your design that I have these fantasies and You alone allow them. Today, Jesus, I humbly accept my great fear – the possibility of being crazy. Lord, I will be a fool for you. I will be a poor, humble, pathetic fool for you – if it but pleases You and draws me closer to Yourself.'
To my dear friends: I love sharing my sTORIEs with all of you - I delight in reading your comments and personal emails and facebook messages. Your stories and testimonies have inspired me and encouraged me through some of the darker times of my life. In sharing, it has never been my intention to harm or deceive you in any way. If I am a fool, I am a fool for Christ. And if I am not a fool, I will suffer the humiliation of being thought a fool, for Christ. Because in the end, all that matters is Love and Mercy itself.
“The message of the cross is foolish to those who are perishing; but to those of us who are being saved, it is the power of God! For the foolishness of God is wiser than man’s wisdom, and the weakness of God is stronger than man’s strength.” (1 Corinthians 1:18, 25)
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