Your life? $385 please

"Would you like to sign up for '40 days for Life?"  The old lady asks me.

I know about 40 days for Life. My best friend, LH, is really involved in the Pro-life movement and so I'd heard about the program. It's a 40 day prayer vigil to end abortion. 

Last year there was adoration at Father's house. People would rotate in and out of the little chapel in constant devotion to Christ praying for the end of abortion and for healing of those affected by it. In my head I think, YES! I LOVE Adoration! I can spend some Q&T with Jesus and privately pray to end abortion! SWEET!

So I sign-up - excited about adoration. Well, telling you that I'm super holy because I signed up for a weekly adoration slot to help end abortion wouldn't really make a good story - which is awesome - because that isn't the story. I hadn't read the fine print. It wasn't adoration I had signed up for - it was to be a prayer warrior - a sidewalk prayer warrior - a sidewalk prayer warrior who prayed outside of the abortion clinic...

And the worst part - I had signed up for a Friday. One of 3 days when they actually perform abortions.

 

"oh no", I thought, "not good. I do NOT want to pray in front of an abortion clinic. awk-ward. I don't want to be thought as one of those crazy lunies who hold signs saying, 'Pray to end abortion' and chants the 'Hail Mary' over and over as if the girls going in really care. What? Me? No. I can't do that."

STOP

Interesting thought here - here I am, claiming to be passionately Catholic - totally devoted to Christ and His teachings. But am I? I began to ask myself: Is this what a follower of Christ should feel? Is this how a follower of Christ should think? Is this how Christ would want me to respond?

I ask myself, what is the single most important piece of God's creation?

The answer: That which is made in God's image and likeness. Translation: Us. Humans. People. We.

Why am I too afraid to face the devil and claim Christ's victory over sin? Why am I more afraid of what the women and their boyfriends think of me, than the innocent life of their child? Being politically correct and arguing 'It's a woman's right to choose' sure makes me popular - but what about that little girl's choice to be born?

LH is my best friend because on Saturday morning, she dragged me out of bed, to mass and then, to the clinic. And I stood next to some Hispanics chanting 'Dios te salve Maria' and holding signs that said, 'Pray to end abortion.' and images of Our Lady of Guadeloupe. And it felt awkward. I kept my head down - maybe some people thought I was deep in prayer, but the reality was I was too afraid to look at the people walking in and out of the clinic. I felt so stupid. I didn't want anyone passing by to think I was judging or condemning anyone - 'I'm not crazy, I LOVE you!' I thought in my head.

Girls kept coming out of the clinic holding little blue bags, "You know numbers are down 30% since 40-days started." commented Mrs. A - one of the organizers of the event. As the next person began a new decade of the rosary I whispered to LH, 'What are those little blue bags for?' LH ran to a box and came back with a Planned Parenthood Pamphlet about the Abortion Pill. She whispered in my ear, 'On your first visit they give you a drug that stops your body from giving nutrients to the baby. Then in 3-4 days they take a second pill which is in the little blue bags. It causes uterine contractions and forces the dead baby out."

Your baby at only 4-weeks. Photo taken by mother who miscarried.

I looked at a young woman walking out of the clinic with a little blue bag and imagined the reality of what was inside of her - a corpse. a lifeless infant. something dead. something murdered. 

They were walking coffins.

"What they don't tell the women," Lori continued, "Is that you actually SEE the baby when it comes out. I mean, it's tiny, but you can see head, arms, little fingers- it's a real baby. and it can be really traumatizing for them." 

Guess what? Lori's right.  

A 10-week old baby in the hands of her abortionist. 

According to Planned Parenthood, 1 out of 3 women in the United States will have an abortion by the time they reach age 45. Reading that shocked me. 1 in 3?? It just seems like so many. But what do those number means?

• For every 1 soldier who has died in battle defending the United States for our last 12 wars, (this includes WWI and WWII) 73 children have been aborted
• Approximately 42 million abortions occur worldwide. That figure alone is nearly 16% of the current US population. 
• This number is greater than the population of Sweden, Norway, Lithuania, Latvia, Ireland, Iceland, Finland, Estonia, and Denmark combined. 
• Abortion worldwide kills more people every 2 months than the Holocaust did in 12 years 

If you go to the Planned Parenthood website, it says "Women have abortions because they care about themselves and their families or their future families"

Am I the only one who sees the irony in that? 

An fetus reaches out and grabs the hand of one of her doctors during a life-saving corrective surgery before her birth. 

For years I've been a pro-life person - I've attended rallies and voted pro-life - but I've never really  felt personally attached to it....until now. Now- the war is personal. So hauntingly personal. I can't stand on the sidelines anymore just letting evil happen. We need prayer. Lots of prayer. And the daily reminder, that Christ has already won. 

"All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing." - Edmund Burke

Mary, wrap yOUR arms aROUND Me

NOTE: I've had this post written for over a year now and tonight, for the first time, I feel like it is the time to post.  I truly feel like this entry is going to get me into some trouble - especially because it involves the Blessed Mother - a woman so often misunderstood by my Christian brothers and sisters - and because it's an intimate story. I share a lot, yes, but this story in particular resides very, very close to my heart - this is a story about a very subtle, yet substantially defining moment in my life. I didn't realize at the time how much it'd changed me. 

A few years ago I found myself spending a lot of time at a friend's apartment.. Two of the girls who lived in the house were very good friends of mine, but the third roommate; however, was another story. A year younger, everyday she had a new story about her latest one-night stand, a new drug she tried, a new religion she was into... but that didn't keep me from crashing on the couch almost every weekend. 

photo by: Julie de Waroquier
(http://juliedewaroquier.com/)

Yet every night, when the lights were off and my little couch bed was made, I became on edge and cautious. I wasn't afraid of intruders. We had the door cop and one of my friends is really fierce and would have no problem beating down anyone who tried to break in. It was something else-  I always felt something sinister surround the home in the darkness and I was frightened. I rarely have nightmares, but nearly every time I slept at their house I would wake up in a cold sweat from some very vivid and very terrifying dream. 

At these times, or anytime I felt scarred, I would begin to chant a prayer I picked up at summer camp. 

"Mary, wrap your arms around me, 
St. Michael, defend me in battle and 
oh precious Christ, keep me under the shelter of Your wings." 
  
Over and over I would repeat this and then I would expand,  

"Mary, wrap your arms around all of us in the home, 
St. Michael, defend us in battle and 
oh precious Christ, keep us under the divine shelter of Your wings." 

This went on from August until November and I never mentioned any of it to my friends. Not the prayer, not the nightmares. I really would wake up every morning and convince myself that I'd made it all up and was just paranoid,  when one morning I'm sitting on the couch, eating cereal when the third roommate walks into the room.  

"Good morning, Tori. You know what, I am so glad you slept here last night." she said very genuinely.  I laughed. This was a very unexpected thing to say, 

"oh really?"

She sat down on the couch and sitting indian style looked at me. "No seriously, I really like it when I know you're sleeping over."

 

I raised my eyebrow. What could she possibly mean? 
She looked around the room as if she wanted to say something but kept stopping herself. "Tori, I've been wanting to tell you something." 

"What?" 

She blushed, "oh no, I can't say. You're going to think i'm insane."

I laughed awkwardly - thinking she was about to begin narrating another one of her outrageous adventures, but instead she sighed and very seriously said, "I sleep better when you stay here."
I looked at her in confused silence.

"You swear you won't tell my roommates, Tori?"
"No?"
 
"Well whatever. It doesn't matter - you're still going to think I'm insane...you see...Tori...I get really scarred at night sometimes, I feel like just something evil - something really sinister is in this house, you know?"

"Me too!" I say with enthusiasm, glad that someone else maybe felt the same way I did about being creeped out at night
"No, Tori." she said, "That's not the point. The thing is, and don't think i'm crazy, but when you sleep over, it's different." 
"Really? How so?" 
"Well, when you sleep over, i'm not alone when I go to bed. Like when you spend the night, I always know that the...the..." she lowered her voice to a whisper, "the lady will come." 

"The lady?"

"It's not like I see anything - I'm not crazy - It's just that when you're here, I always feel like this lady comes and she holds me....kind of like a baby. She holds me and I fall asleep in her arms. And it's always when you sleep over.." The roommate blushed in embarrassment "Weird, right?"

I looked at her in shock. She laughed awkwardly. "You think I'm insane, don't you?" 

In my head I heard my silent, secret prayer - one that I'd always been too afraid or embarrassed to share with anyone... Mary wrap your arms around me

"No, I don't think you're crazy." 

cUStom homilies tHAT humble

Yesterday, I was at Father Baker's house trying to study for my last final of college. Just before mass he asked how life was going and my plans post-grad. Sleep-deprived and selfish for attention, I gave a honest answer, 'I've really got no idea. I trust God's plan and I am not despairing, but the road is really dark right now." 

We walked upstairs and had a small mass in the little chapel. For the homily, Father Baker changed his plans. Instead of talking about relics - he talked to me. 

"Your trials," he said, "are divinely and perfectly given to you. God allows you to experience the darkness and the desolation for your benefit. When we realize that we can do nothing on our own, that it all comes from God, than we can fully live out what Saint Paul says "It is not I, but Christ who lives within me." You may feel like God keeps knocking you down and taking things away, but remember, the more we can be emptied of ourselves, the more Christ can fill us with Himself. "

Well, Goodmorning SanDiego.  Can we say 'wake up call'? In three sentences, I was basically told that despite 4 years in University, countless hours of volunteer work, and a large social network: I can't do anything at all. 

Because everything comes from God and His grace. If I become a good doctor, a good business owner, a good author - I may believe it was because I was a good student, a good worker or a good writer but in reality it's Christ living within me, not myself. Because all comes from God and we can do nothing on our own. 


All that I am and do and learn and be - is not me, but Christ who lives within me. And regardless of whether I actively realize and recognize it - all the good within me, all of my success - is not of myself, but of Him who is greater than me. 

"The more we are emptied of ourselves, the more Christ can fill us with Himself" 

It's so strange to describe, but it's like I don't want to be a person anymore. Tori? Tori who? I want to be such a slave to God that I am no longer me - that myself is so emptied of me, and so filled with Christ, that I am no longer Tori, but Christ within Tori, because all that is left is Christ. I've said this before, but today it has a whole new meaning. Today I want to give up my name, my clothes, my diploma my plans - and say, "God, it's all yours. Take it all away so it can be replaced with more of You." Because all the things I hold on to, if I am holding on to them, it means there is less room in my heart that I can allow God to live in. 

And it's such a paradox, but it seems so clear: that if I loose all that I have, if I give away all that I have in the hope of becoming nothing -  in return, I gain everything. 

sHOW me oBEDience

Inspired by the 2008 FOCUS conference, I took their challenge and knealt down one evening and prayed, "Lord, I surrender my life to you. This life I give to You. Help me to die to myself daily, so that I can live a new life in You." 


Totally expecting to feel smug and super holy I was shocked when, in my heart I felt God raise an eyebrow and question me saying, 'Woah girl, slow down. Now, seriously think about what you just said, do you really mean that?" 
The first time it happened I was taken aback and shocked - and honestly, a lot a bit offended.
"Of COURSE I want to die to myself and give my life to you, Lord." I respond in a defensive confusion, "DUH?"
"But Tori," my heart replied, "I want you to know that this isn't going to be easy. It's going to be really hard - really hard." 
"Seriously God? Are we really having this conversation? Seriously? Like, I thought you wanted all of us to hand over our lives to you as if this was the big moment- and now you're trying to convince me out of it? Is this some kind of trick? You're lucky I'm so willing to do this. Do you know how many people do this?"
"I tell you, it is going to hurt. You won't like it. It's going to be tough." 
I stopped for a moment. This really surprised me. I've never wanted the journey to be hard. I  wanted to follow Christ because that was what was going to make life easier - not harder. I don't want pain - I don't want hurt. Hurt? What? 
"But God, I know that I am supposed to choose You...but uh, since we're on the topic...just how painful are we talking about?" 
My heart only responded with a firm challenge, "Will you follow me?" 
And as my whole body shrieked 'NO!' I answered, hesitantly, 'eeehh, well, uh, ummm, ooook? yes. YES. Yes, I will follow you." 

"For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also" - Matthew 6:21

A year ago, while in tears, I pulled out a black journal and wrote, "God, bring me to another group of friends...bring me that joy again." I was past the point of asking, I was telling. 

I went to bed that night feeling miserable and not just alone - but lonely. 

But in the past year God has answered that prayer.  Today, I am blessed and graced with so many great friends - I am not lonely - and far from feeling alone...until tonight.

Tonight I realized that
Gillian is moving to New York. Allie is living in LA.
The Aussies are in Australia the Dominicans are in the Dominican and Lori is in Washington
Matt's headed to Louisiana
Bobby's gone...Caitlin's gone...Sara's gone...
It feels like everyone is being taken away- that my prayer is being taken away. 

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future - Jeremiah 29:11

But, twistedly, I see what God is doing.


As I am working through this Pre-Life Crisis, I am beginning to figure out where God wants me to walk next - but I'm hesitant to step, filled with excuses and attachments. But this entire summer, slowly, one by one, God started taking them away. The plan. The job. The backup plan and the backup job. And now - the people. 
Because He knows I can't leave you - that I'll struggle putting you before Him. So what is God doing by taking away my friends? God is removing from me all the distractions - all the excuses and attachments- and leaving me with a choice: the world, or Him. 

“Anyone who loves his father or mother more than me is not worthy of me; anyone who loves his son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me.” - Matthew 10:37

The struggle is: I love this world. I love it's food and it's clothes - it's colors, it's sunsets - it's people. This world is AWESOME! But God desires for me to desire something even more, even greater. And I've already made my choice, I'm going to choose God - but in this moment, I'm trying to give the world one last squeeze before my God puts it away and asks instead that I love Him. 

And I know that God's love is so much greater than this world. I mean, I love this world and my God INVENTED it. Like, He's so much bigger - SO much bigger. And my head knows this.
But in my heart, I'm still unsure - still fighting it - because I'm still holding on. 

I don't want to let you go - because you are the ones who I see Christ in. You are the ones who taught me how to love and who inspire me to love more. You are the ones who aren't afraid to sit me down at Starbucks until 1am to remind me how much you care. Who let me cry abnoxiously on the phone for two hours and tag along on adventures to milk goats. You pray for me, even when I've been a total jerk and don't judge me when I fall short on this walk towards holiness - again and again, you forgive, encourage, inspire and support.  


I never understood why people cried at graduations or why 'empty nest syndrome' plauged so many mothers: But I understand it now. It was a twenty-one year learning curve, but I got it. I got it now. And it totally sucks that God's in the process of taking it away just as I'm realizing it. And what's worse, is I know that God's doing it out of love. 
I just wish love didn't have to hurt so much. 

And then on love hurting - hurt - suffering - Christ DIED on the cross for me - for love of me - His love meant His death. Who am I to fight to hold on to people when "Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends" John 15:13


Holiness isn't easy. The path to Heaven isn't always extraordinary miracles and visions and healings. True holiness like true love, is in the details. The day-to-day. The ordinary. Suffering, not because we're being punished, but because we're being extraordinarly LOVED. It's a new kind of love. And my heart gets it, but my body is still fighting it...


"When a fetus is in the womb, it resists leaving the womb for the outside world. It fights as hard as it can to stay in the womb. The reason is that when the fetus leaves the womb, its home is destroyed. All its nourishment and everything else it had in the womb breaks apart and flows away.Who would want to go through something like that? Every fetus cries, "No!" right up to the moment of birth. But the child who experiences pain in order to emerge from its mother's womb grows to become the object of its parents' love. In the same way, our spirit self must leave behind our crying physical body in order to be born anew as the eternal object of the God who is a spiritual being." Revered Sun Myung Moon on Death and Dying

God, you are right. This walk IS hard. It DOES hurt. It is NOT easy. 


I really miss my friends. The ones who have left, I want to come back. The ones who are here, I don't want to go. 


But today, you are asking me to choose. You are asking me 'where is your treasure'? And in the midst of all this ache, and all these tears and all this reluctance, there is only one answer that I can really give. One decision that I can make, and though my answer is simple and obvious - it's complicated and discreet and painful and liberating-


I choose You. 

voCATions and visIONS of yOUR future spouse

It's engagement season. My facebook news feed is littered with 'x person is now engaged to y person' and my private messages are filled with, 'Tori!! I'm entering the convent!!" 

When it comes to vocations, I've always flipped back and forth. Ever since Jimmy Mitchel asked that fateful question, "Tori, it's your moral obligation as a single, catholic  woman to discern ALL vocations - because are you really following God's will if you aren't open to anywhere He could call you?" I've never been the same.


After Jimmy's challenge, I began to really discern the religious life. Weekly trips to the Maj (Mother House of the Sisters of Saint Cecelia), daily mass, monthly discernment retreats...and then, my secret dress-up-like-a-nun sessions. When my roommate was gone for the weekend, I'd lock our door and place a towel around my face to look like a habit. Staring at myself in the mirror I'd make introductions, 
"Why Hello! I'm Sister Mary Pio" or "Oh yes, you can call me sister." 

One day, I was watching 'Friends' on TV when the air around me suddenly became thick, warm and heavy. Chills ran over me and as fast as I could, I turned the TV off because I didn't want the Holy Spirit to know I was watching Friends. 


I sat up straight, Indian style and put my hands out in prayer, 'Welcome, Holy Spirit! I'm ready.' And just as my eyes are looking upon my dark dorm room, I was at the same time in another place. There, in front of me, was a young man, crying, in front of the tabernacle and he was praying. 'Lord, where is she?" He asked. "I keep searching for her and I think I've found her but she's not there. Where is she?" I felt the Spirit calm him and he spoke again, "Let her know that I love her and I am waiting for her." And then, speaking to me, he said aloud, "I love you and I am waiting for you." 
Then I felt myself being pulled from that room and all of me was back in my dorm room, where I'd been the entire time. But I could still hear his voice, "Hug her for me, please. Let her know I'm here." And I held my breath as I watched the T-shirt on my shoulders move closer to my skin as I felt a tight embrace. 


Then it was over. The room was cold, and damp again. But I was so alive. I spent a few minutes pinching myself - 'was that real?' - 'did that really just happen' - 'how do i know if I just made it up?' 'Wow, TorTor - you are CRAY CRAY!! Seek professional help now'


But the peace in my heart was overwhelming. I began to start praying for this boy- and then I had the craziest idea...I went before a tabernacle and prayed.


"Lord," I said, "Take my heart and bury it deep within yours. Let he, who is my husband, seek you in order to give my heart back to me. and Lord," I continued, because I was on a roll, "please, oh please, guard this heart. And make every relationship with a guy that's not with him totally and cosmically fail before anything ever happens - because Lord, I know he is out there and I want to be the best for him - the purest for him - I want him to have my whole heart."


Well, ask and you shall receive - and since that spontaneous 'pray before the tabernacle for your future spouse which you hallucinated about' day, every date or love interest or potential boyfriend has been an utter, cosmic failure. But still, it's really easy for me to begin to loose hope - to get so frustrated with it all that I just want to give up. There are all these things my friends are doing - that seem totally normal - long goodbye hugs, late night talks, stolen kisses after dates - and I don't do this. A married woman wouldn't do this - a girl with a boyfriend wouldn't do this - so why would I, who is so confident of the existence of a spouse, do this? 

But it's really hard sometimes. I don't entirely trust myself to know if what happened was a dream, or from God or from the devil. I don't know. And who knows if I'll be alive after tomorrow to meet him? Or if I'm really called to the convent and this is just the devil distracting me? But whenever I'm at the point of giving up - of saying, 'I'm sorry, but this is just too hard. I don't have the trust or the patience and I don't know if this is right.' God - or at least I think it's God - steps in and  gives me enough hope to keep holding on. 


Yesterday morning, my heart was so sad. I watched as the holy families from Assumption walked down the communion aisle and I couldn't help but question God, 'How blessed they are to have found each other. What a gift a spouse is. Am I foolish? Is this your will for me?'
And as I'm thinking about how insane I am to everyday offer up communion for my future husband and our currently non-existent family, I drop my bible and it opens randomly to Hosea Chapter 3, I wonder what it says." and then I read, "And I said to her, you will wait for me for many days. You will not commit fornication, and you will not be with a man. But I also will wait for you." 

Yes, I also, will wait for you.

Pre-life Crisis

For the past few days I've been going through a pre-life crisis. For the first time in my life, I've accepted the concept that I've got the freedom to do anything - which means... I've got the responsibility to first seek God's will in my life.
But this is tough. Because saying "Jesus, I trust in You" means I have to set aside all the big plans I had for my future and say instead, "Thy will be done."
I've got to keep reminding myself, "You were NOT made for this world". Because it's going to take a LOT of humility to give over my pride, my hopes for 'worldly success' to say 'Yes' to God. To say, "I want to do Your will even if it means that I may never own that global company or run that major recod label. Matt Hayes likes to say, "Loving is letting go." So to really love God, I've got to let go of what I've alway envisioned for myself. And I don't know what God's going to say. I don't know where He is going to send me. I don't know. And that's the biggest lesson in humility yet - to not know. Because I have no idea. It's not My plan. It's His will.

And for a long, long time I was most afraid of those who would call me foolish. Who would say, "Tori, what you are suggesting isn't prudent - it's not right - take a weekend to cool off, then, when you get your head back on straight, go make a career for yourself"

"The foolishness of God is wiser than man's wisdom; and the weakness of God is stronger than man's strength" - 1 Corinthians 1:25

If this is the Gospel I proclaim, than the consequence is that this must also be the Gospel I live. And on judgement day it's a conversation between me and God. Not them and God. But me. Me and God.

"Freedom isn't the ability to do what you want, but the ability to do what you ought" - Pope JPII

"The greatest lie of Satan is the myth of tomorrow" - the children of Medjugorje

Come now, you who say, "Today or tomorrow we will go to such and such a city, and spend a year there and engage in business and make a profit." Yet you do not know what your life will be like tomorrow. You are just a vapor that appears for a little while and then vanishes away. Instead, you ought to say," If the Lord wills, we will live and also do this or that." 1 James 4:13-15

Most importantly, when I start to be anxious or doubt, I recall the words of Megan DePhillips, "God is faithful" Because He is. He is faithful.

Matthew 6:25-34

"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Matthew 6:25-34

Last Sunday I was going through my ritual prayer of 'handing over my suffering's to Christ' - meaning, it's when I reciting a list of everything that's uncomfortable in my life and saying, "Here, Jesus, please fix this." 


Except each time I do this, I can't help but have this lingering thought in the back of my mind that says, "Well do you really believe that Jesus is going to fix it ALL? What if he doesn't. What if He only helps you halfway. What if? And then, what are you going to do? What are you going to do if He decides NOT to step in and help?" 


These "What if" doubts keep me from fully handing over my sufferings and trusting in God's plan. But last week, as I was in mass God interrupted me and said, 

"Tori, give me your "What If"s "

And it occurred to me, God doesn't just want a list of our sufferings or desires. He wants our 'what if's' too. He wants us to have the faith to trust that He will provide for us. That we are wrapped and cloaked in His arms. That He has a plan that He has a path and that His will shall be done. 


Because are we really trusting Him when we are doubting if He'll answer our prayers? 


So now when I feel anxious or worried I ask myself: Where is your heart? Where is your conviction? Where is your faith? 


Because if you really believe in this gospel. 
If you really believe in its message. 
You would not only offer up your suffering to Christ, 
you would offer up your "What if"s too.

Then I tell myself: Don't even consider the possibility of God abandoning you. 
He won't abandon you. 

"But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."