The Fruit of Faith

Look at yourself - look at where your faith has led you? you're pathetic. I wiped the tears from my face and stared at the wooden tabernacle again. "Jesus, please, it's too much." Why do you do this, Tori? The voice in my head asked me, there's no point in continuing like this - who would ever want to be a Christian if it meant being like you? You have no job, no money, plan, no purpose, nothing. I looked down at the top of the pew in the little chapel and I began to cry harder. "Jesus, please!" Look at where following God's will has brought you. You are entirely dependent, a strain on your family - you don't deserve their generosity - your parents work so hard for you and how do you repay them? By disappointing them - by spending your days in front of Jesus who, need I remind you, does not answer you.

I collapsed in tears.

"Jesus, please." I pleaded, "please, where are you? speak to me." I stared up at the tabernacle again and imagined Christ, standing in front of me, silent, just staring with a long expression. I lowered my voice to a whisper, "why won't you comfort me? I need you so much, why won't you come and console me?"

Tori, why do you do this to yourself? Just give in. The comforts of the world fade, yes, but certainly they are better than a lifetime of this? All your friends are having so much fun - why don't you just enjoy the life you've been given, instead of looking like such a fool every afternoon crying here? You're going to die one day, do you want your whole life to be this miserable, pathetic existence you're living right now? 

The voice offered relief. I began to think, what was I doing? What was I thinking? Just because I thought I had been doing God's will didn't in fact mean I was doing God's will - maybe God never intended faithfulness to look like this? And the world, the world is so desirable. The escape wouldn't last forever, but it would certainly numb the pain I was feeling...

That's it, Tori. Yes, just give in. The temporary world really isn't that bad. God has decided not to answer you, so take control of your life... I wiped my tears. The voice was right. I was miserable and not in control...and if I took control, I could end this misery for myself.

But then another voice spoke from my heart, "But Tori," it countered, "God is REAL".

A wave of understanding began to roll over me. No matter what, God was real. He existed regardless of my personal experience with Him. Regardless of my ability to see, know, or believe - He is real and true, now and forever. Weak, exhausted, and more tempted than I've ever been to give into the fleeing pleasures of this world, with a new resolve I prayed again, "Jesus, I feel so hurt and so alone. You don't answer me and you don't comfort me. -but, you are real. And because you are real, I must obey you. So even if you never allow me to feel the consolations of your spirit, or witness any miracles, or help me find a job...I will still follow you. I will still wait for you. I will still trust in  you and I will still praise you. Because I know you're real, even if I can't see it or feel it or hear it."

In that moment last year, I felt like something powerful happened. I stopped crying and took a deep breath. Faith.
That's what I am being given right now, the fruit of Faith.


I'm having to learn and relearn the simple fact that the world just doesn't understand the Christian faith - and to measure our value and our worth by the eyes of the world, rather than through the eyes of our Creator, is a grave mistake. I've written before about the dangers of comparison, but God seems to keep teaching me the same lesson, but in new ways. As a Christian woman, I cannot compare myself to the expectations and standards of the world because the world does not understand the paradox of the cross. The Christian life is a call, not to acquire worldly wealth and success, but rather a calling to be conformed to the image of the Creator - a suffering savior - a poor man, who was crucified on a cross. But while the world fears suffering, the Christian embraces it. Suffering means redemption. Suffering means salvation. Suffering means the resurrection.

"Suffering is a great grace; through suffering the soul becomes like the Savior; in suffering love becomes crystallized; the greater the suffering, the purer the love.” - St. Faustina

"How splendid the cross of Christ! It brings life, not death; light, not darkness; Paradise, not its loss. It is the wood on which the Lord, like a great warrior, was wounded in hands and feet and side, but healed thereby our wounds. A tree has destroyed us, a tree now brought us life" -Theodore of Studios

 I just got back from visiting the tomb of St. Theresa of Avila captures it best, "Let nothing disturb you, let nothing frighten you, all things are passing, God never changes. Patient endurance obtains all it strives for, with God as your portion, nothing is wanting. Alone, God suffices."