Holiness burried in Fear

The candles flickered around the monstrance as I struggled to fight off tiredness at my weekly holy hour with Father Tran. I had just finished another day at the record label and I was exhausted. The chronic fatigue had really begun a few weeks prior - when one day I woke up and realized I was not where Christ desired me to be.

For weeks I had been crying over personality profiles and aptitude test, searching for the answer, searching for the job or career that Christ created me for. Searching for the person He desires me to become.

And then, while in the twilight fog of half asleep and half awake, I had a short dream of a man quoting Pope John Paul II, "If you desire to know what is most sacred in this world," the man began, "You have only to look towards what is most profaned."

I understood the meaning of the quote. Pope John Paul II meant to say that the devil was very shrewd and attacks things in order of their sacredness. That which is most sacred is attacked most often and most fiercely.

I was ready to let the image pass and welcome in another dream when the Holy Spirit challenged me, "Now, apply this to yourself."

Surprised, I was instantly filled with adrenaline, I opened my eyes, awake. "Apply this to myself?"

My heart continued to speak, "Your path to holiness and your vocation is part of what is most sacred and holy about you. The devil is doing everything he can to profane it."

More adrenaline. I reached for my notepad. "What is most profaned about me?" I asked myself, trying to respond to the prompt. I wrote down answers. I created a list of what I was afraid of, confused about or insecure about. I chose those things because we as Christians know for certain that fear, confusion and insecurity are NOT of God and always a sign of profanity within us.

And then I made a second list - and this was the most difficult list to create. I wrote a list of my heart's most secret, tender desires. Desires I was afraid to speak and afraid to even give life to by writing them down on paper. I prayed for strength, "Oh Lord," I asked, "reveal to me my heart's desires."

When I was finished, I saw the lists side by side and nearly gasped.

They were mirrors of the other.

For every secret desire of my heart, I had a louder fear, or confusion or corresponding insecurity.
For EVERY secret desire of my heart this was so.

And at last I got it. I realized the path God was asking me to walk down. I knew what He had made me for, and who I was to be at this time in my life. The desires of my heart are from the Lord and I was being asked to bravely pursue them.

And the Devil knew the plan all along, and to keep me from walking down the narrow road, the devil profaned it. He filled me with lies about myself, my gifts and my talents. And I had let the loudness of his lies weaken the cries of my heart until they became weak and tender secrets.

But fear transformed itself in that moment. No longer was fear something that was to be overcome. No longer was it a weight upon me that held me down. Fear became a guide. Because buried underneath my fear was my Sacredness, my holiness.

So, I did what any 23 year old girl would do. In tears, I called my Dad and told him what had happened. He said to take a few days to pray on it and call him back. When I had spent a few days meditating and praying, I called my Dad back and said, "Dad, I want to pursue Christian music. I want to write Christian songs and I want to travel from parish to parish, touring and doing parish missions. I want to work with the Vatican on implementing the New Evangelization in the United States. I want to create opportunities for others to encounter the Holy Spirit because only the Spirit changes hearts"

And my Dad responded, "Tori, in all your years, I have never been more proud of you. Your mother and I love and support you and have been waiting for you to realize this. I am so proud that you've finally embraced your unique path and purpose in life."

As soon as we hung up, I broke down and sobbed. And like glass, one by one, all those fears and anxieties began to shatter and break. Until there was only peace left.

That Friday, I filed my two weeks at the record label job. I began training as a waitress at a restaurant here in Nashville and started recording music again for the first time in 10 years.

The first song recorded was one to give thanks to the Holy Spirit, who is not only the author of all of my songs, but helped me to realize just a little bit more of who I am.

Because the closer I grow to knowing myself, the closer I grow to knowing He who created me.

Jesus, I love you. Our Lady, I love you.
Thank you for this life, Thank you for these abundant gifts and graces.
Thank you for revealing to me my heart's desire.

Because life isn't about being successful, but about being faithful.