Ordinary Dreams

Beads of sweat rolled off my face as I tried to sleep in the hot, non air-conditioned room. The thin, scratchy sheets made me feel even more dirty. As I lay on my small cot I looked up at the ceiling and started to cry. I had only been in the Dominican for two and half weeks, but already I was more homesick than I'd ever been before, and the constant discomfort intensified my desire for the gentle embrace of my mother and the soft sheets and warm showers of home. Then I thought of Padre P. and the Deacon - the other seminarians - and their multitude of charismatic gifts. Healing, tongues, discernment of spirits...

I felt a cool tear slide down the side of my face. What was I but a poser and a faker. I got up every morning to pray with the seminarians, I read scripture and spiritual texts during my free time, I fasted and prayed my rosary, but what did I have to show for it? I was ordinary beyond ordinary. I couldn't lay hands and cure illness, I couldn't speak in tongues, I  didn't bear the stigmata, I'd never had a vision of the Virgin Mary or watched as a host turned to bloody flesh in my hands.

Was I really a believer? Because, if I was, shouldn't these signs accompany me? I thought about the scratchy sheets again and reprimanded myself. Of course God hasn't chosen you for great gifts, I think to myself, you still complain about scratchy bed sheets! 

I thought about my childhood. My ordinary childhood. Padre Pio and Joan of Arc were great when they were young, you weren't - you've missed your chance. You'll never catch up. I tell myself.


Trying to distract myself I remember the familiar voice of Mallory Ryan "Where our hearts not burning within us?"

She had spoken those words following a retreat we'd led together. I focus on my heart beat, and close my eyes. I smiled as I felt my heart begin to burn and slowly the discomfort of the world around me and my own sense of inadequacy faded to the sensation of my heart which was aflame. "Thank you." I prayed.

I drifted off into a calm sleep.

My dream began with a bright, white light flooding all my surroundings. As it faded, I could make out a small room with a woman standing in it. I held a guitar in my hands. "You can begin." she said.
I understood that I was at an audition for a talent show and that my talent was to play and sing one of my songs. Confident in my abilities I began to play a song for her.

I winced at hearing my own self play. My voice was flat, the guitar was out of tune, and I was struggling to keep rhythm. "Let me try another one." I said frantically. "You may." She responded and I tried to play a second song, this time focusing harder and singing louder. As I heard myself miss note after note, I blushed in embarrassment. "I'm so sorry, I can do this, really I can. Let me  try again." This time the woman nodded, to let me try a third time. This attempt was by far the worst of them all. And without finishing the song, I removed my guitar strap, hung my head low and started to walk out the door.

The woman pressed her hand to my shoulder, "where are you going?" she asked, confused.
"I'm so sorry," I replied, "but I'm not good enough."
"But Victoria," she began, "everyone makes the show because not enough people audition."

I was now standing on the stage on the evening of the performance. Instead of a series of solo acts, we were all to sing as a choir. The music began - surprised, the song was familiar. It was one I hadn't heard in years, "Our God is an Awesome God". A large crowd was gathered in front of us and I began to sing with the choir. As I focused on the music, I continued to hit all of the wrong notes. No matter how hard I tried, I could not sing the song well.

"May I sing for you?" A voice asked. It was the Holy Spirit, unseen, but surrounding me. I nodded. I felt myself move to the back of mind as this surge of power rushed through me. Elated with this intense sense of peace, joy and a profound love, I realized that I could not possibly contain all that was rushing through me within myself. I was overflowing. I sang out the power as soon as it flooded into my heart - but even sending out all the power just as it flowed into me was not fast enough - I was still full and over-flowing.

I relaxed and let go of everything, surrendering to the Spirit. As I did this, I began to listen to the sound coming forth from my mouth. "Our God is an awesome God..." I sang. It was the sweetest music, like I'd never heard before. "He reigns from Heaven above" It was the sound of the Holy Spirit and it was heavenly,. "With wisdom, power and love "

Curious, I asked the power flowing through me, "Holy Spirit, am I speaking in tongues?"

"Yes" the Spirit replied,

I listened as my mouth finished the refrain, "Our God is an awesome God!"
"But Spirit," I continue, "I am singing in English."

As the power continued to surge through me, I hear His whisper, "This is your tongues."

The song continued and at last I understood.