I see what you did there, God

"So, have you ever thought about what would happen if this music thing doesn't work out?" I asked my co-worker, B, as we were stuffing silverware. B is pushing 30, and is in a band that has already had a top 20 Christian record and toured around the nation, but while he waits to sign a new record deal he, like me, is working at Chuy's.

"No, Torie, because that's not going to happen." he laughed at the outrageousness of the idea, "But if it didn't work out," he continued, taking my question a bit more seriously, "it would only be because God moved within me and changed my heart's desires. Our God is a good God. He wants to give you the desires of your heart, I mean, He put them there. You've got to learn to be content with where He places you, because it's for your spiritual benefit. Besides, He's a good God."

His confidence in God brought me comfort. I felt better for awhile, but by the end of the day three things happened: 1. I learned that my recording expenses were going to be twice what I had thought, 2. The result being I could not take as much time off as I had wanted to spend time with a friend flying in from the UK and at home hanging out with my little sister 3. My timeline for music and promotions would be derailed for 3 months.

I was filled with anxiety. I immediately felt foolish, silly, unprepared, and lacking in every way. Who am I? What am I doing? Why am I living this way? Is this really what God wills? Will I ever be satisfied and content with my station in life?

Breathe in. Pray. Hyperventilate. Call mom. Cry. Eat. Nap.

I felt like I was on the verge of depression. My thoughts felt so manic, and the entire time I recognized that it was manic, but I had no response to the thoughts.

"Torie, but God WANTS to give you your heart's desires. He is the Father and He wants to love His children." my friend Linds said over the phone.

In a moment, my ears were opened and I started to cry as her words touched a place deep within my heart. He does love me. He WANTS to fill me with good things.

Enter hope.

It was the gift of hope.

Like water, i felt the manic anxiety which had been plaguing me for the past few days just wash off. God does love me and He desires to give me not just life, but life to the fullness. To trust in this truth, and to believe in this promise makes me, for the first time, content with my station in life, eager to work harder to progress and more patient to endure the trials that come towards me.

The hope that God is faithful. That God is generous and loving. And that God came so that we might have life more abundantly.