Detatchment

"I really admire him because he has his ideals, and he lives by them. Sure, he does some unorthodox things, but he is self-aware enough to know why he does them," he took a breath to finish what he was saying, "and that's why I read his blog and find him so interesting."

It was just one line in a long conversation, but it began to echo. Though my friend had only said that this guy "did unorthodox things", what I heard was entirely different. I heard "freedom". And I heard "detachment from worldly expectations".

A few hours later, we said our goodbyes and I slowly turned the ignition of my car on and took my time exiting the parking garage. As I merged onto the interstate, the questions that had been stirring all night began demanding answers, "Torie, why do you do the things that you do? Why are you alive? And do the decisions you make everyday reflect that purpose?"

The introspection was overwhelming- because I began to uncover some unattractive answers.

An hour into the car ride I just needed to start praying.

True faith isn't just acknowledgement of the truth, but the acting upon it, the response - The measure of one's faith is their response to the truth. And this is what I realized,

I know who I am.
I know why I am alive.
I trust that I know my purpose.
But I don't always act according to that knowledge.

Because, rather than striving to see myself through the lens and eyes of Christ, I find myself constantly gauging my development and success by the blogs and books I read and people I know. Truth tells us that we are slaves to that which we allow to define us. And in asking these questions, I realized how enslaved I am to the approval of others.

These past few weeks, I really feel like the Holy Spirit is trying to free me from this desire of approval. To remember that His plan is unique to me, and I should be more concerned with Him than thoughts like, "well, is this normal?" or "how many people have tried this and were they successful and did any of them write a book that could help make my decisions for me?" or "will he still like me if I continue to choose this?"

At least 3 times this week I've witnessed the same eye rolls and "well, bless your heart, good luck with that" from customers who are curious enough to ask me about my hopes and dreams. Each time, I feel this need to be understood, to prove myself and my worth to them, to say, "but wait, don't you understand?"

But God says my path isn't outlined in someone else's blog or autobiography. It's written on my heart - and while advice and precedent and making others comfortable are wonderful things, nothing will ever be more assuring than the peace of the Holy Spirit.

I believe in the wonderful counselor, but how often am I seeking His council?

I want to live authentically. To be totally, wholly, fully enslaved to the Divine Will. But I can't be that until I can confidently look at my God and say, "yes, Lord, here I am. May it be done unto me according to Your word"

To give my FIAT, I must give up my desire to be esteemed and my desire to be approved. To be like that "unorthodox" blogger - to experience freedom and to at last be detached from the world.

From the desire of being esteemed and preferred by others, deliver me, Jesus.